Friday, March 14, 2014
I have been really lost as of lately. Honestly, I've been depressed. I know I'm not alone.
It's hard to stop measuring yourself by comparing yourself to other people. That's what America is all about! Gotta keep up with the Joneses or the Kardashians or however that saying goes. I'm over that idea. I've grown past the point of comparing my appearance to others. My body is beautiful! And so is yours! Material things don't matter as much to me now. I don't need to have the newest shoes or the coolest car or the latest gadgets to be happy. Recently, I've just been feeling not good enough. I know this way of thinking is unhealthy and does not serve me and I should let it go. And I'm trying to, I know that I can.
I know that I am the only one who has traveled through time and space to arrive here the way I have. I am a unique character. I am sensitive and can feel things more than others. I am passionate. I seem to care more about things. I am open minded to new experiences and accepting of new people. I love to challenge myself and my ideas. I love adventure. I've been through a lot. I grew up in a household where one of my parents had a substance abuse problem. My home life was unstable We were never broke but money was a constant form of stress. Lot's of fighting, yelling, screaming. As a teenager I was lonely. I was diagnosed bipolar at age 13 and medicated. I gained 80 pounds and slept through most of high school. These eyes may look innocent but I've seen some shit. I've been very fortunate as well, though. My parents loved me and supported me always. My grandparents were a constant source of happiness and ease. They instilled in me a love for arts and culture, for history, and for nature. I've had many teachers appear in my life to help guide me on this path to the person I am today. I am truly blessed.
I struggle with anxiety and depression. I hate it. I don't feel I have anything to be sad about when there are so many other people in the world who have it worse than me. But then fuck, that is what makes me sad in the first place! How am I supposed to focus on improving myself when the mere act of flipping a light-switch is hurting me and our planet, and paying my internet bill is fueling corporate greed. This idea that I'm supposed to ignore the "junkies" on the corner and just keep walking. Keep the eye on the prize, look out for number one. Fuck that. But then living outside of that is so hard. I'm just one person. What does is matter. I can't help everyone. Organic is expensive. I never remember my reusable coffeecup or grocery bag. I'm a terrible hypocrite hippie! Ahhh! Que binging on ice cream, smoking too much weed and never leaving my room.
I'm learning to love and appreciate myself. To be kind to myself and give myself a break when needed. To embrace solitude and to invest time and energy to making me a better and healthier me. I am meditating and committing time to journaling consistently. I've made healthy, nutrient rich food a priority in my budget and my diet. I exercise regularly. I'm getting health insurance and seeing a doctor. I'm opening a bank account at a local credit union (fuck banks). I'm applying for grants to further my education. I'm volunteering in the community. I'm starting therapy. I'm taking control of my life. I've always been so good at caring for others, it's time to do it for myself.
I've only been in this body for 25 years but my soul is much older. I've been climbing to the top of this hill for quite sometime. I'm getting closer with each step but I still have a ways to go. I'm doing the best I can. Sometimes the world seems to weigh heavy on my mind. Sometime these eyes can't understand the fucked up shit they see. Sometimes this bleeding heart is too heavy to carry. Sometimes there are too many weary heads resting upon my shoulders. But I keep my chin up. I am strong. What is it all for? I haven't quite figured that out yet. I'm learning patience as well. Comfort in the unknown. For now I'll have to buckle up and enjoy the ride, because time will not wait up. Life will pass you by. I've heard the warning. I'm not alone. There are many others who believe in the same ideals and dreams as I do. Some who feel lost because they feel those dreams are unobtainable. I will show them the way.
I am starting to understand that we are in control of our realities and the world around us. Every action we take as a reaction. The universe will not deliver if we do not ask. Depression sucks. Anxiety is hard. But we are not victims. We are fighters. We are soldiers of peace. We are in control of our destinies. Energy has to be created. Fuel your spirit. Love yourself.